Some people might say you're a pessimist if you don't look at things positively most of the time... I guess I don't consider myself an optimist (and I do know some people who I would consider to be) but not necessarily a pessimist either. Lately however I've been feeling a little more pessimistic. Not sure if it's the hormones but I'm feeling just downright negative. I really should just be thankful and joyful that I have 2 healthy beautiful children, a devoted loving husband, a great job, and people surrounding me who care. I really do have a wonderful life. But sometimes even when I know these things I still feel overwhelmed and sad. Not a true clinical depressed sad... just a "not feeling like a good mother, home-keeper, and feeling bad about myself physically" sad. There have been a few things that have happened lately that pile on to each other contributing to these feelings and unfortunately I'm just hard on myself. Lauren's sleep has been all out of wack especially for naps, she's getting her last molars, and today she woke up with a cold. I'm not really sure how to deal with her random car sickness issues and it makes me nervous about taking her places especially alone with both kids. I'm trying to get Noah on a schedule during the day since I'll be going back to work tomorrow (another stressor). I've either left the sound off on his monitor or not had it turned up high enough at night a couple of times which has left me sleeping without realizing he's awake and screaming. I have no idea how long he was screaming last night since I didn't wake up until after 5:30 realizing he was awake and upset. This left me in tears holding/feeding him and succumbing to the fact that I won "worst mother of the year" award. The guilt is so overwhelming sometimes. I also just feel like I'm never caught up - laundry, grocery shopping, keeping the home picked up/organized... and I just feel bad about myself physically. It's been so hard this time around as far as getting back into shape. Part of it is finding the time and the other part is just my fault. I need to watch what I'm eating more and get on the treadmill but it's so hard when I have a toddler that doesn't nap more than 45-60 minutes a day; balancing her and a 2 month old - I'm lucky if I get enough water to drink and a shower in a day. Morning walks were becoming a regular thing but with the 100 degree heat it's torture.
I know that eventually all of this will be in the past and I'll look back possibly wishing I would have just stayed more positive. I also need to lean more on God during this time and be in constant prayer. I'm a person who likes to be independent and in control... but God is in control and I need to be fully dependent on Him. This time of my life is just hard. Wonderful... but hard.
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