A week old!

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I can't believe that it's already been 8 days since Lauren has been born. This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life both physically and emotionally. I'm one who values sleep so much and definitely have been lacking in that department lately. Initially I was lucky to get 3 hours at night but things have gotten better over the past 2 nights. Lauren sleeps about 2-3 hour stretches and will take about 30-40 minutes to eat when she's up. I put the pacifier in her mouth when she's done and she sleeps well in her bassinet next to the bed until her next feeding. Now that I say we've slept well tonight will surely be a different story! Sam and I actually got to go to bed together last night for the first time in a week and it felt so great.

I've also been feeling a lot of different emotions. I didn't think I'd be saying this but I really do miss being pregnant. Feeling her move inside me, watching my belly grow, reading regular updates about her development, and seeing my OB (we have a great relationship). I also have feelings about missing our life before she was born... like I said going to bed together, intimacy shared, going out and doing things last minute, getting things ready for her being here together, and this will sound selfish but not having anyone else to worry about. I have had a couple of emotional times since she's been home when it just seems like the tears won't stop coming. Part of me feels so guilty for feeling these things and that just makes me want to cry more. I do also have a lot of times when I feel good; like today wasn't such an emotional day.

I think another feeling I've had is guilt about her having to be born early and being as small as she was. I mentally know it wasn't my fault that the placenta wasn't working as well as it should and my blood pressures were all over the place. But I feel so bad that she swims in her newborn outfits and lost 8 oz after being born. Feedings are going well now though and I plan on weighing her tomorrow at the breast feeding support group. I had such a mental picture that we were going to end up with an 8 or 9 pound baby since Sam and I were so huge at birth. So part of my feelings come from something that was unexpected.

I do truly feel happy to have her here. To be able to hold her and kiss her, watch her smile in her sleep, snuggle up against my chest, and feel her breath against me is something I could never have imagined to be so wonderful. I've always been told that the first few weeks are just really hard and they do become more than changing, feeding, and crying. It's hard to stop from looking forward to the future when there are things I know I'll miss about the here and now.

Sam goes back to work tomorrow so I'll be flying solo for the first time. We're both not looking forward to it but knowing that he has a job to provide for us is enough motivation. Somehow the days continue to pass and time does seem to be going so quickly despite not feeling like I'm doing much other than changing and feeding. Before I know it I'll be going back to work and Lauren will be 3 months old which makes me want to just stop and enjoy every moment. God has blessed us with a miracle and I just have to keep reminding myself that He doesn't give us more than we can handle.

I can't end without making mention of how wonderful Sam has been over this past week. He constantly refills my water, has been taking care of household chores, cooks for me, did grocery shopping, runs out to get food or whatever else needs to be gotten, holds me when I cry in such an understanding and accepting way, changes diapers without a second thought, and brought home flowers just because (he says they're happy first time mom flowers). I really do feel blessed to be married to such a wonderful man and now father.